Thread:Cherryki/@comment-7026120-20140327190333/@comment-29789305-20140329220537

Oi sorry for presetering you, but I'll just post the review here so it can be a tad more private. I apologise for it being veeeery long.

Before delving more into the plot structure, characters and so and so, your writing is good, but it could use a bit of improvement. But first, allow me to apologise for slamming grammar issues on you, because I'm well aware that English isn't your native language, and I don't want to sound too snobbish.

Your conjugations don't quite match up and aren't consistent throughout the story. Sometimes there are verbs thrown in there that represent what is happening during the present time, such as "she makes a run for it.", it's not wrong to use present tense in writing, but earlier on in the sentence you use past tense conjugations, "As she heard the creaky castle doors slowly open and saw the Head of Staff." two completely different tenses, and could confuse or irritate the reader, depending on who they are. Keep in mind that an 'S' at the end of a verb typically means present tense, and an 'ed' at the end means it already happened, so it makes it present tense. I should stop waffling on, because I'm giving you an unnecessary conjugation lecture.

The plot is quite relatable in some aspects, drawn with heavy burden and soaring with unwanted commitments. These are devices that are usually known for trying to get us to sympathise with the main character, and I know they were used well, because you can really feel for Isabella. Living in a society and household where she is worshipped, and she wants to escape, it’s a nice little change, but it’s still typical. Nothing different, or too attention grabbing, but it is a nice little relief from a spoiled princess who hates her lavish life. It’s a girl who genuinely wants to be treated as an equal, and refuses to be placed on a high pedestal.

Isabella’s relationships are all very different, and that’s what keeps it interesting. Once I was introduced to her relationship with her grandfather, I instantly loved how sweet it was. Though I am slightly beginning to feel and notice that Isabella’s personality becomes more prominent due to her relationships? Other than the kindness that appears with her grandfather, the slightly rebellious nature due to having to express high expectations, she’s a bit bland and it seems as if the bookworm personality is the only thing that really defines her. I want to know who Isabella truly is, I want to know who she’d be if you took away her books and left her without others. Is she lonely, angry, insecure, scared, happy and content? The only reason I’m asking and elaborating so much on this is because I want to know why others love her so much, and I want to understand why because I wish that I could like her as much as the rest of the wikia does.

As of right now, and as much as I love the subtle references of Disney’s version of BatB, it seems like she’s too reliant on that. When I first began to read True Love’s Kiss I thought they were cute, but it’s slowly turning into overkill, and it can be a bit frustrating if one doesn’t stick to the true tale.

Perhaps I should stick to critique, rather than trying to dissect every little detail of the story. As I mentioned earlier, your writing is good, but there’s always room for everyone to make a little improvement, but your main problem area lies with the grammar and conjunctions, personally I’d start there because your writing is well. I’ve been slowly reading into the next few chapters, and now I’m seeing the insecurities that Isabella faces when she’s alone. Her personality is slowly beginning to show more, it’s nice to slowly immerse into the personality, but when meeting Elian she goes from nervous and shy to giddy and smiley in almost an instant, and from one writer to another, it’s best to change the moods slowly. Other than that, I love how the story stays true to canon, and it is well done because most OC fanfictions tend to be very out of canon and context, again, nice relief. The plot itself seems a bit too cliché and typical, but other than that the writing itself is good, and would be much better if you clean up those little corrections.