Urtica Swan/Diary

(NOTE: You're reading the diary of Urtica Swan . Except for the introduction, the following text has been transcribed from cap locks.)

GUIDANCE COUNSELLOR YAGA THINKS I NEED A YEAR DIARY. SHE'S BEEN GIVING ME ALL SORTS OF REASONS: I HAVE NO SASSY RESPONSE TO THE LAST ONE, SO I GAVE IN TO PRESSURE AND BOUGHT THIS BOOK. THIS COST ME TWO DOLLARS, MADAME YAGA. I'M POOR NOW. I'M EATING DIRECTLY OUT OF A CAN OF BEANS NOW. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.
 * "YOU CAN PRACTICE YOUR ENGLISH LIKE THE OTHER FOREIGN STUDENTS!" (IT'S MY FIRST LANGUAGE, MDM YAGA, PLEASE.)
 * "YOU CAN FINALLY GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND GET RID OF ALL THAT NEGATIVITY!" (BUT HATE FUELS MY SOUL!)
 * "IT'LL BE A FUN EXPERIENCE!"

THERE'S A SMILEY FACE ON THE COVER NEXT TO THE WORDS: "Today is the first day of the rest of your life!" GAG ME ALREADY.

I REALLY HOPE I DON'T REGRET THIS.

A New Orientation
I slapped Apple White today. I regret nothing.Here's the thing about being the next Eliza: everyone assumes you're quiet and shy and perfect, and that it's okay to say "We all get to chose our own destinies now! No one's forcing Urtica to be quiet!" to my face in the Royals Common Room.

No. No I don't get to choose my own destiny. I have eleven brothers that may never be human again, my mom is dead, my dad doesn't remember my name; the only way I can ever fix this is if I shut my mouth and sew. I'm not going to stop sewing, not for hell, or the coming of Allah, or Apple "Little Miss Perfect" White.

In that moment, I felt like I was going to cry - which is a Very Bad Thing, because I'm not aloud to sob out loud - so I swallowed hard. And I stood up.

And I walked over to Apple.

And I raised my hand.

And I don't know what happened next, but it was over in a second: Apple White was sprawled on the floor, clutching her face, one of her insane platform heels knocked right off her feet. I've always been short but in that moment I was towering over her.

And I. Felt. Great.

Which brings me to this diary. I've got three weeks of detention, and a lot of time, so let's get to know each other a little better.

Chapter 1
I handed in the first page of my diary as a Creative Writing assignment. I got lazy.

My only regret is that I upset Professor Scheherazade in Creative Writing. She thinks it's offensive I said Allah's name in vain in my last entry. Maybe it is to her, but I guess I wasn't really thinking about it. I tried to tell her I stopped practicing, and that maybe I don't really believe in the Big Guy Upstairs. Like, I ate bacon in a salad once and I really don't regret it, and I don't think anyone knows where my shayla is anymore.

Sorry, Prof Scheherazade. Somewhere along the lines, I just stopped caring about the greater divinity. It's not like good things fall in your lap if you bow and recite the prayers - good things happen to those who work.

Chapter 2
Apple invited me to a swaree swari soiree: "To show there aren't any hard feelings between us!" She says it's just her and Briar, and a couple other Royals, and I get a "plus-one", too. How generous. 

I signed the words NOT IF YOU WERE THE LAST LITTLE TROGLODYTE ON THE PLANET. Apple, not understanding a word of Sign Language, pumped my hand up and down and said:

"Great! See you at eight, Urtica!!"

Sometimes I really, really hate that girl.

Chapter 3
My roomate, Hildy, thinks I should go. I mean, sure, I did slap Apple on her face. And, whether or not Apple deserved it, she was nice enough to want me around her, sharing oxygen with her and taking up space. I guess that's kind of nice of her.

Hildy is the daughter of a king who killed a giant - and you need a lot of cojones to kill a giant. So, when she thinks something is right, there's no arguing with her. That soiree is probably all poncey and boring but if she thinks I should go to hell, I'll go.

Hildy's in the next room picking dresses for us. I'm googling pictures of my dad, back in Saudi. (He's getting fatter - and another American corporate crime professor is investigating him for taking bribes again, what else is new?) I'm trying really hard not to think about what happens next...

Chapter 4
To be continued.