User blog:EtherealNyx/Man, This Hurts

To everyone who expressed concern and gave me well wishes over my decision to depart, I would like to say a few things and hopefully ease said worries. I'd like to think I'm a little more emotionally stable today than I was yesterday (but I'm still rather hurt) and I'd like to think that since it's not so early in the morning as it was when I actually made the decision to leave that I'll be able to sum up my feelings more adequately.

It's ultimately easier to decide that you're going to depart when you feel heartbroken and have internalized for months, no, years at a time that you're at fault for every problem you're involved in and that no one really likes you. It's ultimately easier to write a farewell note at 2 in the morning when you feel most vulnerable and at the peak of your self-loathing mountain. That's when it's easier to hate yourself and that's where I was mentally and emotionally wise last night (early morning? whatever, pointless semantics).

I have a problem. It's not a problem with the wiki itself, it's a problem with me. Yes, bad things have happened here before, and they affected me, but I could have moved on from that and not read so deeply into the atmosphere, but I did and I've realized I made a fundamental mistake. Because in my emotional strife, I was blind to the fact that people actually liked having me around and that people thought of me as a good person. I trivialized the relationships I had and valued and instead worried myself into a hole that I'm unsure I'll be able to get out of. And, with all of the issues I have outside of my computer life, I felt as though my escape from the harsh realities of the world beyond the screen was no longer an escape.

I don't know if I'm articulating this correctly, but I'll continue anyway.

I doubt myself a lot and my writing especially. There have been times where I've been tempted to delete Quinn, to forget I ever wrote her, and to never consider her character again. There have been times where I broke down because I had no ideas and because I thought I had no future in the writing business. That has been my reality and while I'd like to say I'm okay now, that'd be a lie. Because I'm still affected by this fears and I don't know if I'll ever get better, but I'm trying my hardest.

I guess one of my biggest fears is being seen as stupid. I value my intelligence over almost everything else about me (or, at least, my perception of my intelligence, which relies a lot on what other people think) and when I write impulsive and emotion-driven blog posts like these, it makes me worry that people will trivialize the aftermath when I try and take it back. Am I trying to take my decision to leave back? I don't know, to be honest with you.

See, I worry that people will think it was a grab for reassurance and attention when it wasn't at all. It was me thinking that I had to leave and that I wasn't strong enough to stay here. I'm not the type of person that strives to start drama and I actually hate myself for causing people to feel hurt. It makes me sick knowing that I've caused people pain and I think I'll always carry that with me. But, I don't want to be remembered as someone who just was a drama queen or attention hog since that has never been who I am and never will be. My problems are anything but imaginary and I don't like the thought of being remembered as someone who fabricated their problems.

But, I think it might be worse for me if I leave. The people I've met here, all of you, you have inspired me. You've been my pillars through rough times, even if you never knew it. Sometimes, I was annoyed by you, and sometimes I think you were annoyed with me, but I made such good relationships here and I don't want to take that for granted like I would be if I left.

With my mental state being as it is, I've always needed support and I've drawn it from the people on here because I don't have a lot of people I can actually count on out there in the real world. This year has been nothing but difficult for me and I've struggled. My mind has gone to a lot of dark places and I even contemplated suicide a few times, but what helped me was the wiki. Even when I felt apart, I drew strength from the people here and I don't think I can give that up.

So, what do I plan to do? I intend to take a break for a few days and sort myself out. Maybe I'll write or try and draw some circles. That always calms me. I definitely plan to listen to some classical music and read webcomics, as is my prerogative. Will I be back? I think so. I've had some insanely eye opening and emotional conversations with people in the last few hours and my motivation for leaving has been chipped away. Yes, I still hurt and I may always feel a little bit of pain, but I know I'd hurt myself more to leave.

I hope none of you hate me for putting you through such emotional pain and I hope to be back as soon as I feel better.

Love,

Nyx

P.S. I know some of you were concerned about Blood Under The Bridge. I'm going to delete the current file and start over again. Hopefully, it'll make more sense and sound good. ^^ I'll share more information later when I feel up to it.